I just hope like hell I can do it for nine more weeks for you Lucy girl.
Never, have I had such emotion, such power behind a pregnancy. I can barely keep my own head above water…so how will I help you get here too?
I’m afraid you must hate me. I’m doing a terrible job with [...]
This is what it means to be held
Four Years and Counting
Just four years ago this morning, I looked like this,
A few hours later and I was holding one sweet baby girl, my Olivia Marie.
8lbs, 7oz and 21″ of quiet perfection.
It’s no surprise that Livie, my most introverted child, made her grand entrance into this world with just a whimper of a cry.
From her first moments, [...]
Full, Circle
Full Circle.
I distinctly remembering my mother saying, “We’ve come full circle,” on the one year of my father’s passing on February 22, 1999.
Full Circle.
Full: Containing all that is normal or possible
cir·cle: A series or process that finishes at its starting point or continuously repeats itself; a cycle.
Full Circle.
At sixteen, I thought that was brilliant.
At [...]
Meet Baby Lucy
Sweet baby,
As I lay on the ultrasound table watching you move and swirl I was impressed by your awareness and grace. While the sonographer poked, prodded, and measured I saw you…you, Lucy, I saw you. My eyes filled with instant tears of self-awareness.
In that moment, I realized, you Lucy, were real and true.
While the nightmare [...]
Subject to Debate
Today marks 10 months since Jacob died.
We are coming up on the one year anniversary of Jakie’s final hospital stay. A stay that led us to make the most monumental decision of our lives.
When a child has a chronic illness or condition, his life, and your life are never “normal.” You live in a world all [...]
My baby.
Lila is 19 months old.
Just moments ago, as I sat heavy and weary from hours of reading about our present situation, I felt a tugging on my tank top.
I turned to Lila lifting my shirt, patting my belly which, at present, shows no signs of the 13 week child inside.
“Baby,” she says as she rocks [...]
Breathe in, Breath out
So I suppose the upside is, it’s October, not November.
You see this face?
Not only is it beautiful, but it’s mine. Well, my child’s that is. This is the face of hope, promise, and getting up in the morning.
Today I was told that this sweet face has a 1 in 42 chance of carrying a chromosomal abnormality.
Right [...]
Love = Success; an update
Oh sweet words on a page how I rejoice in you.
My eyes are numb and red.
My head is aching with the intensity that comes only after hours of sobbing.
My spirit is weary and heavy from fighting not just today’s battle, but every one before.
I look back on the last year of my life and see [...]
My Girl
In the days and weeks following Avery’s birth, I remember being astounded to see this person who came from my being, but wasn’t me. It was one of the most profound realizations of my life, to know you could create a child, carry her in your womb, and yet have no control over who she [...]
Cry for Me
“not ending his life, ending his suffering”
“to help you prepare for his final days”
“you are so brave”
“he will finally have peace”
“you are doing the right thing”
Name one mother who has ever felt peace or righteousness when discussing options for pain management that will comfort her child in his final days on earth. Name [...]
