Revelation

To complete your family. To know, by the grace and mercy of God your children are all here with you must be a most glorious knowledge.

But it’s a knowledge I will never hold.

Who knew my answer to the ever asked, “Is this your last baby?” would be found.

ha.

Those words above are my words, words written just days before Lucy entered this world and our lives with her quiet grace.

I’ve been struggling, no that’s not the right verb…

I’ve been contemplating the whole are we ‘done’ thing.

Yes, yes we are.

Not because David is 40. Not because that was our plan.

We are ‘done’ because I realize I will never feel complete again in the ways of motherhood.

I can’t.

Because I can no longer hold my child.

Exactly.

My heart got it before my head; not the first, nor the last time this sentiment has proved true.

We are done as a family, but not complete

and that IS the difference.

My pregnancy with Lucy was hard. My heart hurt.

I am not strong enough to do that again.

Even now, when I hold my precious newborn close, I look at her and just wonder, “How did you get here? Who are you?”

Lucy is this beautiful mess of a child. At nearly six weeks she’s covered in the ever lovely baby acne; she’s got a growing bald spot on her dark head, revealing nothing but baby blond fuzz.

Yet, I look at those breathtaking baby eyes and they do just that.

This child takes my breath away.

Lucy is mine. When I was stumbling, tripping through the world just trying to get her here, she was already my Lucy. A creation born of the love and sorrow her Daddy and I harbored.

Of course she’s mellow. Of course she’s content and easy to soothe.

We didn’t get lucky. We didn’t win the baby lottery.

I learned with Lila there is no ‘reward’ for pain, no balance or justice in this  life.

We lost everything before this child.

We lost our foundation, our sense of ‘right’ and fair.

We lost a life.

But we gained.

Oh, how we gained.

When I see how intensely each of Lucy’s siblings plays with her; I get it.

Because we lost, we also gained.

Lucy will never know the pain like we do; what a beautiful gift God gave her.

He blessed us  with her life, He blessed her  with His mercy.

We may be done having babies, but we will never be complete.

Christ alone is completion.

and I’m perfectly content with THIS life. The life that has shown me true sorrow, incredible pain, ultimate joy and everlasting love.

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