A Hard Day

I’m having a hard day, for no other reason than it’s a hard day.
I miss my baby so much. And, my mom, God how I miss my mom. I just can’t stop crying. I don’t even understand what happened. How did I really live through these last 3 months? Why is this MY reality?
Why [...]

A Letter to Jakie

Jakie~
I missed you tonight. Sitting in a crowded room, full of anxious families and supporters of the special needs population, I couldn’t help but cringe inside. How I wanted to look over and see your face. That beautiful, ever present smile was no where to be found.
I miss you baby boy, I really do.
The tears [...]

10 lbs

I’ve put on 10lbs in the month since Jakie left us. Amazing, I’ve heard the saying, “my loss is your gain,” but I didn’t think it would be quite this literal.
*sigh*

An Interesting Read for those Absorbed With the Grieving Process

So I’m notorious for subscribing to a dozen magazines and reading them months after they arrive. Usually, my magazines find their happy place while in the hospital with Jakie for one of his marathon stays. That no longer being the option, I’ve begun reading while waiting to pick up the big kids from school.
Ironically, enough [...]

Report Card Day

Proof that the stress and anxiety didn’t end with me.
Poor Taylor.

What she said

How’s that saying go? Just “grin and bear it.” We’re trying our best.

More bad places

I don’t like this feeling. This empty worthlessness that is simmering within.
What voice am I listening to on these bad days, when I wish to sit in the bad places?
It makes my skin crawl, these moods of self loathing.
Gotta find a way out out, free from my own judgements.
Somedays I feel like the depression is [...]

Tuesday

Not entirely sure where I stand in my thoughts about today. Today is nothing special. It is simply Tuesday. Another Tuesday in a whole lifetime of Tuesdays.
It does blow my mind really, the concept of never another Tuesday.
Yesterday, when we to Holy Angels a woman commented on how many children I had, she asked me [...]

One Month, Check.

I didn’t want to do this today. This existing thing…today I decided it was overrated. Way overrated. Who needs to wake up and feel slapped by the bitter reality around you everyday? Not me. Not today.
So I didn’t get up. I stayed in bed until 10am. The girls played around me.
I didn’t feed anyone [...]

Set Back or not…

First thoughts this morning: I don’t want to do anything today. Nothing. Absolutely positively nothing. I don’t want to even breathe. I hate today. I hate remembering, I hate NOT remembering. I just want to simply be and that will not happen. It’s too soon to just be.

******

I didn’t want to do this [...]