Inside Out

*fyi, this is a cross posting w/my daily blog*

Maybe it’s hormones, maybe it’s the festive time of year, maybe it’s…

I don’t know what. But for whatever reason I’ve felt pushed to be positive lately. As if by sharing my actual reality, I  might be offending someone; thus the blog silence.

You know the old saying, which my mother quoted frequently, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all?”

Well…

I’ve somehow convinced myself that it would not be Christ-like for me to blast our less than positive reality on these virtual pages.

I’ve been consumed with the notion that what I am, what I have to offer isn’t good enough.

If I’m being honest, that’s my #1 struggle, I have always fought the idea that I am not worthy (which, technically I’m not, but by His GRACE I have been saved).

Then, while driving Avery to school this morning, after having a particularly difficult morning with Adriana, God granted me an epiphany.

Scratch that, he began to reveal to me the error of my ways.

I know, I know, I was stunned too. *sarcasm  noted*

You see, I’ve been afraid that by being anything less that a walking talking ray of sunshine, that others wouldn’t see Christ in me.

You know, aren’t all Christians suppose to be swept in the love and mercy of God, and in all things offering praise?

16 Be joyful always; 17 pray continually; 18 give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
                                               ~1 Thessalonians 5: 16-19

I truly felt I was letting down the world with my negativity aka my reality.

 I let my self be convinced that who I am and what I do IS negative. Says who, Katie, says who?

WHY on earth I feel this now after 27+ years of speaking my heart one can only guess, cough, cough Satan.

Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?
                                                                       ~ Romans 9:21

Welcome to common use

I am a broken, beat up, used daily, half crazy piece of every day pottery.

My surfaces do not sparkle and shine.

I am rough around the edges, my sides have cracks in them and my paint is most definitely fading.

BUT,

I am still a vessel of and for CHRIST.

This common use clay I carry?

It does the job.

33“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
                        ~ John 16:33

Guess what?

In this world I have had trouble.

A trouble that I have shared time after time. A trouble that continues, particularly this time of year.

But that doesn’t make me doubt HIM.

The trouble doesn’t take away from the Glory.

We are not called to be ‘positive’ we are called to have Joy. Called to pray. Called to give thanks.

16 Be joyful always; 17 pray continually; 18 give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
                                               ~1 Thessalonians 5: 16-19

My God is not a God of pretend. He is the God of Truth.

The grief, the loss of job security, the worries over Adriana, the nearly empty bank account…

all of that ‘trouble,’

doesn’t take away for a minute,

the faith I have in Jesus.

I’m tempted to pause here and ‘justify’ what I’m saying. But as was impressed upon me at our church service last Sunday, I won’t because I don’t need to do so.

You see, I believe both parts of  John 16:33.

Troubles and Heart.

That sounds about right to me.

Fall

There is a part of my heart that lives and breathes in November. For November belongs to Jake. Always and forever.

We pushed, we struggled, we persevered through so many Novembers. But it will never be the same.

As the beauty of October fades, the chill of November sets in.

I’m not ready.

Just not ready.

The memories are suffocating me.

I want, I want.

To say I miss him doesn’t even come close. I ache for my son. Positively ache.

It’s an aching so intense it absolutely violates my soul. Its presence is unwelcome. The memories are one thing, but the aching, quite another.

Chronic aching.

At times a soothing balm washes over me and I can make my peace with the heartache.

 

But tonight, I simply ache for what will never be again on this earth. Tonight, I ache for heaven.

Open Devotion

God how amazing is your glory?

Old habits seeping back into my day, my mind, my minute. *Alert* Alert* my brain is fuzzy, not so quick to resist the temptation to slide back in the habits of agony, analyzing and anxiousness.

Not today stress. Not today financial worry. Not to day devil.

Nope. Not going to happen.

Buzz in my ear all you want, but you can’t do me any harm.

My God won’t let you. He has opened my eyes and I will not give in, no matter how strong the temptation.

Mortgage check lost in the mail…then so be it. Late fee, bring it on. It’s just dollars. It’s not life or death. Someone already died for that sin; praise you Precious Father above.

 

Micah 6:8 (New International Version)

  ⁸ He has showed you, O man, what is good.
       And what does the LORD require of you?
       To act justly and to love mercy
       and to walk humbly with your God

May I do exactly that dear Lord. You have forgiven me for bowing down to anxiety and stress; I will uphold your name and walk forever in your mercy and grace. Amen.

 

Inspired

Man, I’ve started this post three times, nearly finished it once and still can’t find the appropriate words to convey my present emotion.

I stand, sit, slide, somewhere between glory, compassion and grace. Totally clear right?

My spiritual life has been intense lately, in the best possible way. For the first time in my life I feel truly free of the burden of finance. To those of you who know me in the intimate way that friends do, you understand how truly this must be a God thing.

It isn’t that we’re suddenly wealthy. Or we’ve been gifted the ability to predict the future; quite the opposite actually. I’ve finally realized the truth behind our ‘daily bread.’ Proverbs 30:8

Even more than that, God has shown me that I HAVE TO STEP BACK and let him be awesome, real, true, and you know LORD of the universe!

It’s not about me.

I know, you’ve heard that from me before right? =P

But seriously.

Life changing.

My life has been changed by death and life more times than I care to list; but having my life changed solely through the grace and glory of prayer is a mighty powerful change dear friends.

This is deeper than a burden lifted, it’s bigger than that; hince my failure to articulate.

It’s God.

and I don’t think he’s finished with me yet

Loan Modification; check

You know the saying, “Prayer changes things”?”

They weren’t kidding

Such an incredible burden has just been lifted! I’m rejoicing as though I’ve just discovered new life!

How amazing is our God? How mighty?

How much greater is He?

Good things He is doing in my life, good things.

Listen and obey.

I have, I will.

AMEN.

Meandering

meander: to wander aimlessly or casually without urgent destination

meandering

unwilling and unyielding to the Spirit

what is the cause

what is the purpose

Fear?

perhaps.

Questions grow like flowers by the wayside,

Yet, I haven’t the urge to pluck them,

let alone pull them from their untimely roots.

No, I’d rather just meander.

Then the answer isn’t known.

I don’t hear it, I don’t see it; therefore, it must not exist.

Why the fear?

How can you dread an answer you haven’t yet heard?

Birthday Eve

I suppose it’s perfectly within reason for one to get reflective around one’s birthday.

But this year, I’m feeling particularily reflective, particularily intuitive.

I went so far as to visit my parents’ grave; a trip I’ve done only twice in the 20 months since my mother’s passing.

With my van full of children, I couldn’t help but wonder if this was to be their future too. Would my own daughters celebrate more birthdays without me than with me?

For the first time in my life, I feel old.

Not physically aged…just, perhaps, the equivalent of my life experiences.

Am I where I thought I’d be? Am I who I thought I’d be?

Do the answers even matter?

I believe we each have a calling in this life. I wonder if I’m living to my full potential. I question if I’ve done right by the gifts and talents my Heavenly Father has given me.

Every day I pray specifically for God to use my life for His Glory.

I pray this to be true.

Lately, I’ve felt the Holy Spirit within me…a pressing, ’still, small voice’ whispering to me.

God hasn’t yet revealed His message to me, but I feel it. I know it.

There have been specific times in my life when I just *knew* I was on the verge of something…I feel it now too.

Again, I pray, Lord, let me be a vessel; use me. Make me like you; use my life for your Glory. Amen.

The Great Return

to work that is.

Me and my change amongst the seasons.

Last summer I took off from work to grieve, cry, soul search and reconnect with my children after Jakie’s death.

This summer, I return to work following my 4 month maternity leave.

Amazing the difference a year makes.

Absolutely, freakin’ amazing.

A year ago, I had little hope in my eyes, even less in my heart.

I was bitter, oh so bitter.

I was angry, outraged; simply blind with grief.

I couldn’t see past the pain no matter what stood before me.

Today,

I feel bittersweet at the thought of leaving 10 week old Lucy in the preschool nursery.

Today, I feel nothing less than sheer joy and wonder.

I am in awe of the children I’m raising, the child I now hold only in my heart.

My family survived.

My marriage is strong. My children are joyful.

My heart is overflowing in the best possible way.

Next week will mark one year since I took those first feeble steps at turning my life around after heartache. Next week will mark 18 months since my heart first fell into the abyss of child loss.

But, I have returned to the land of the living. Jakie is always alive in my heart, in my mind. In every button down plaid shirt I see, in every little boy with big brown eyes, in every child that feeds from a tube, in every touch of Lucy’s soft feet. In those simplest of details I *see* my son. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh, but always I remember.

Amazing, how God heals the heart, the mind.

I am no longer bitter that Jakie’s body wasn’t among the things God chose to heal.

Bitterness brought me nothing; brought God nothing.

I believe my life is meant to glorify Him, in ALL I do.

So, tomorrow I return, and don’t think for a minute that I am not grateful for the Glory God revealed between last summer and this one.

Revelation

To complete your family. To know, by the grace and mercy of God your children are all here with you must be a most glorious knowledge.

But it’s a knowledge I will never hold.

Who knew my answer to the ever asked, “Is this your last baby?” would be found.

ha.

Those words above are my words, words written just days before Lucy entered this world and our lives with her quiet grace.

I’ve been struggling, no that’s not the right verb…

I’ve been contemplating the whole are we ‘done’ thing.

Yes, yes we are.

Not because David is 40. Not because that was our plan.

We are ‘done’ because I realize I will never feel complete again in the ways of motherhood.

I can’t.

Because I can no longer hold my child.

Exactly.

My heart got it before my head; not the first, nor the last time this sentiment has proved true.

We are done as a family, but not complete

and that IS the difference.

My pregnancy with Lucy was hard. My heart hurt.

I am not strong enough to do that again.

Even now, when I hold my precious newborn close, I look at her and just wonder, “How did you get here? Who are you?”

Lucy is this beautiful mess of a child. At nearly six weeks she’s covered in the ever lovely baby acne; she’s got a growing bald spot on her dark head, revealing nothing but baby blond fuzz.

Yet, I look at those breathtaking baby eyes and they do just that.

This child takes my breath away.

Lucy is mine. When I was stumbling, tripping through the world just trying to get her here, she was already my Lucy. A creation born of the love and sorrow her Daddy and I harbored.

Of course she’s mellow. Of course she’s content and easy to soothe.

We didn’t get lucky. We didn’t win the baby lottery.

I learned with Lila there is no ‘reward’ for pain, no balance or justice in this  life.

We lost everything before this child.

We lost our foundation, our sense of ‘right’ and fair.

We lost a life.

But we gained.

Oh, how we gained.

When I see how intensely each of Lucy’s siblings plays with her; I get it.

Because we lost, we also gained.

Lucy will never know the pain like we do; what a beautiful gift God gave her.

He blessed us  with her life, He blessed her  with His mercy.

We may be done having babies, but we will never be complete.

Christ alone is completion.

and I’m perfectly content with THIS life. The life that has shown me true sorrow, incredible pain, ultimate joy and everlasting love.

“Life is so messy that the temptation to straighten it up is very strong.”

                                         ~ Anna Quindlen

Suppose that says a lot about me and my life then, no?